I really enjoy going to NA meetings all over and in the cities surrounding where I live. There is one location that has 27 meetings per week. There are addict only meetings, lit meetings, speaker meetings, men’s only meetings, woman’s only meetings, gay only meetings, etc. There are so many different types of meetings that it’s crazy. I have my home group that I never miss, and I have 2 other groups that I am a regular at. Other than those, I travel to all different groups, and I get to meet so many different people who have similar goals. They just want to stay sober for today. The most wonderful part of all of it is that you are accepted no matter what group you go to.
On February 8th, Jacob and I sat down and discussed some of the NA pamphlets. He gave me a soul-searching assignment to dig deep and figure out why I had to push it to the length that I did. Why did I push it so damn far?
I have a strong desire to be accepted. I consider it a flaw in my character. I need to have the approval of whatever group I’m in at the time. Today, I have come to the understanding with myself that I only need the approval of one person: the God of my understanding. I still find myself wanting the approval of other people, but I don’t need it. I can survive without it.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The First Step to Flaws
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The First Step to Milestones
On January 27, 2011, I celebrated 30 days clean and sober. In NA, they use an orange key tag to represent 30 days. I finally felt like work was really being done. I asked Jacob, a man who had years of sobriety under his belt, to be my sponsor. The literature said that I needed a sponsor, so I found one and got prepared to dig down deep into myself and work the steps. I was truly blessed when it came to cravings. I had tunnel vision. I was so focused on staying clean and surrounding myself with people who 1) were clean, and 2) wanted me to be clean.
The cravings were really minimal. It really felt like there was no room in my brain to think about getting high. I did (and still do) certain things so that my life revolves around being clean.
1. I surround myself with sober people.
2. I cut off association with all old and potentially hazardous friends.
3. I regularly go to NA.
4. I regularly go to my place of worship.
5. I prayed to the god of my understandings.
Things were really starting to feel good in my life, and I was staying sober…
On January 27, 2011, I celebrated 30 days clean and sober. In NA, they use an orange key tag to represent 30 days. I finally felt like work was really being done. I asked Jacob, a man who had years of sobriety under his belt, to be my sponsor. The literature said that I needed a sponsor, so I found one and got prepared to dig down deep into myself and work the steps. I was truly blessed when it came to cravings. I had tunnel vision. I was so focused on staying clean and surrounding myself with people who 1) were clean, and 2) wanted me to be clean.
The cravings were really minimal. It really felt like there was no room in my brain to think about getting high. I did (and still do) certain things so that my life revolves around being clean.
1. I surround myself with sober people.
2. I cut off association with all old and potentially hazardous friends.
3. I regularly go to NA
4. I regularly go to my place of worship.
5. I prayed to the god of my understandings
Things were really starting to feel good in my life, and I was staying sober…
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The First Step To The Bright Side
I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist on January 19th. My pain management appointment from before detox was the next day. I was still taking 2 Xanax per day, and 8 mg of Suboxone per day. At that point, I planned on getting off of the Suboxone, but I wasn’t yet ready to think about getting off of the Xanax. We go to see the psychiatrist, and he says that he won’t prescribe Xanax for me, and he also tells me that he doesn’t prescribe the Suboxone. I told my mom that we had to find another doctor.
At that moment, I really had to turn to my higher power. I felt like I had been rejected, my pain management appointment was looming, and my prescriptions were running low. That was a really though day for me.
My mom woke me up two days later and said that she had really good news for me. She said she found a doctor who was willing to work with me on my prescriptions as long as I joined his program and did what they asked of me in return. It sounded too good to be true. They gave me an appointment that day.
When I walked into the office, a super happy, super friendly young lady who runs the office greeted me. She gave me a pile of papers to fill out. I filled them all out honestly because I really wanted the doctor to be able to help me. I met with the office manager and another woman who would become my counselor, and we talked about the program and what they expected of me. They also talked about what I needed from the entire experience. With my permission, they took me from that session directly into an appointment with the doctor, and they did just what my mom said they would. The doctor gave me my Suboxone, and he wrote me a prescription for my Xanax under the understanding that we were going to detox from the Xanax with Klonopin as soon as I was ready for it. The doctor was honest with me and told me that he didn’t like having addicts take Xanax, but he didn’t want to change too much at once and hurt my chances of success. I promised to keep an open mind about switching from Xanax to Klonopin. They told me that I had to come three days per week for intensive outpatient counseling. I felt like I had been given a good foundation to continue on the road I was on, and the doctor and counselor told me that they are available 24 hours a day for emergencies. I was ready for this.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The First Step To A Sobering Reality
A few days later, I decided that I was ready to look BG up on Facebook to see how he was doing. I searched for his name, and I find it with his photo. I clicked on it. I never in a million years would have guessed what I was about to read. In the “About Me” section, his girlfriend (and the mother of his kids) wrote a paragraph about BG and, in it, said that God had taken BG from us. I was in shock. That was not what I was looking for at all. I thought I would read positive stuff like what I was lucky enough to be experiencing. I knew that I needed to get to a meeting because my first thought was to use. I found a meeting, but it was Martin Luther King Day, and that group was held in a library. It was closed. I started to pray and made some calls.
Once I got through the shock, I knew that I needed closure. I wrote his girlfriend. I told her who I was, and asked what happened. She said he accidentally overdosed on the 12th and the funeral was on the 15th. I couldn’t even pay my respects. He was the first friend that I made while clean. I shed some tears for him, but I realized that this is a time that I had to be selfish. By keeping my thoughts on my good fortune instead of his misfortune, I would be able to stay clean. I had to keep my recovery first and not let the pain get to me right then. Eventually, I will be at a strong enough point in my recovery that I can think about the pain without risking my sobriety. For right now, as bad as it sounds, I need to be first in my own life until I am stronger and more stable.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The First Step to Making Connections
I arrived at Allen’s home group to the same reception as the previous group. I got hugs from sober, smiling faces, and coffee. There is always lots and lots of coffee. It was nice. A couple of the guys had put some money together to buy me an NA Basic Text, and all the regulars signed the inside cover with little positive slogans. This was a speaker meeting where someone came in and spoke on one of the 12 Steps or 12 Traditions. I felt very comfortable. This soon became my home group too. It was a lot to take in, but I absorbed it like a sponge.
On January 14, 2011, I went for my follow-up assessment at the detox facility. I also got my daughter and went to spend the weekend with my mom’s twin sister. I go visit her every other weekend, and I get my daughter every Thursday or Friday through Sunday. Things went great. I got to catch up on some quality time with my daughter and my family.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The First Step of 12
That Sunday after church, I returned my daughter to her mother. We had a great weekend, but it was time to buckle down and get some work done.
On Monday, January 10, 2011 at 11:30 am. I attended my first NA meeting. When I walked in the door, I was scared, nervous, and embarrassed for a lot of reasons. But, when I walked in the door, a man named Allen walked up to me with a huge smile and gave me a bear hug. He said “Welcome”. I instantly felt at ease. I told him that I was 10 days clean, and gave him a brief version of my story. He said that I was in the right place and he told me that he had a secret for me. He lowered his voice, and he told me that I never have to get high again. That didn’t really make sense to me. I asked him how long he has been clean. He said 24 years. I was blown away. I asked him how he did it, and he said one day at a time. That didn’t make sense to me either.
Allen introduced me to a couple of people. One guy had 21 years clean. I asked him how he did it and he said, “One day at a time.” I didn’t understand, but I figured if I kept coming back, I would catch on.
Everyone was hugging everyone, and everyone seemed happy and drug free. People I never met before kept coming up to me and hugging me and telling me to keep coming back. They said this program works.
The time came for the meeting to begin, and everyone took their seats. The person in charge asked fellow addicts to read small readings about NA. I listened to what they read and I started to get more comfortable. There was about an hour of sharing. The sharing time was mainly people getting things off their chest that could have caused them to relapse if they held it in. I was amazed at some of the stuff I heard. People were going through some serious shit, but they were still staying sober. At the end of the sharing portion of the meeting, someone stood up and handed out the key tags. The key tags denote clean time. The first one is white because white is the universal sign of surrender. They said that if you want to give up the high cost of low living, to get up and get this white key tag. I mustered up all of the courage that I had and stood up and walked to the front to get it. Everyone clapped for me. I probably hugged 15 people on the way back to my seat. They went through the rest of the key tags, and then they closed the meeting by standing and making a circle where everyone interlocked arms. They had a moment of silence for the still sick addict that doesn’t know about this program. They followed it by the serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
After the meeting, Allen came up to me with a meeting list full of names and phone numbers. He said, if you feel like you are going to use, start calling people and you will get someone who will talk you out of it. He said get 2 or 3 numbers at each meeting that I attend. He also told me to try and make 90 meetings in 90 days. He told me that his home group was at 6:30 p.m., and he would like me to attend if I could. I talked with my mom and she said yes, so I told him I would be there. I left that meeting feeling really good knowing that there were other addicts who had 20 plus years clean. For the first time, I felt like I had a chance.
